what i want to do.

I want to go to the places that are on the http://www.bing.com/ website's background.
I want to have no cares in the world.
I want to be single.
I want to go on vacation alone.
I want to read.
I want to be positive.
I want to be in love.
I want to believe in love.
I want to be excited and not be let down.

boyfriend? fiance? more like roommate.

i have been with jordan for 3 almost 4 years i really never thought we would date this long. i think it is because i didn't want to have a serious boyfriend until i was 21 and i didn't want to have sex until i was at least 22.. my plans weren't God's plans.
but now i have this fiance that is more like a roommate. he is lazy annd he eats all the food. not to mention he can't stand to be in the same room as me. he always ask what i am doing tonight or the next  day   he doesn't want to spend time with me. I am unhappy and I have been happy for a while. I was hoping this engagement would make things improve. like our bond with us together but I was wrong.
I want to lust and I want to long to be with someone that longs for me back not someone who is just there. jordan doesn't care about my feelings or about my beliefs.  he is a good dad and this really has nothing to do with Macy just how i don't love him.

engaged.

this is very happy time in most women's lives it is supposed to be exciting and lots of fun. but since i am a man stuck in a woman's body it is a problem i freak out about simple things. i don't want to get married it will be miserable with the commitment and stress to add on to my other 99 problems.i canit even have decent bridesmaids.. all of the ones i like are moving to another state.
first there is my sister. she is a  crazy.  bitch. monica she is 27 and asked our 19 year old brother for drugs.. oh ew.
then there is melissa. i asked her to take pictures of macy in september of last year and i have seen 2 maybe 3.  her sister is pregnant but she will pretend she is. she likes to live vicariously through her.
we have come to keri she is moving to arizona. she dislikes jordan and she is currently my closest friend she will move to arizona and forget all about me.
kelly is moving to hawaii in may. she is a good friend she tries to be a good friend it is one of her top priorities. we were very close then when jordan and i started dating she and i grew apart not in a bad way but in a growing way.
whitney she is moving to ohio. she is one of my best friends. although i forget i hagve her because she is so far away. she isswept upin her romance with her boyfriend who they both belevie they will get married to one day.
no matterhow i look at it i still do not want to get married. i think only one of those people will have  my back if i needed them too. i want all five of them too. iwonit uninvite anyone but i will hold off getting married until i have at least one more. :)

i am dreaming with a broken heart

i think i am ready to be by myself. i mean single without a boyfriend. i have had a boyfriend for almost 3 years and i only liked having a significant other for about 3 weeks. i donit mean that i donit like any men. i just donit feel happy i feel held down like i not only have to watch what i do for macy and myself but this other person too. i want to talk to boys and not feel guilty that they are given me attention. i know it sounds selfish but it is about my happiness.

i feel like i am living with a broken heart. i donit want a boyfriend at all i jsut want to be by myself and with my baby. i think some single momis would love to be in my shoes with someone who loves them who helps them with their baby. i feel like i am alone any ways.

i didnit have a boyfriend for 18 years i was fine then. i always felt alone and like i didnit have any friends so i decided that if i had a boyfriend it would solve all my problems but i was wrong. some girl think if they have a baby they will have somone who will love them forver but with me it was a boyfriend i desired. i didn't desire to havge sex i just wanted someone to talk to and someone to buy presents for for no reason. i have a promised i am goodat keeping for myself i tell myself if i don't want to do it don't sign up for it i have the power to choose happiness for myself no one makes me do anything i don't want to  do.

Boring

My life is so boring.. I HATE when anyone says "you have a kid now your life is supposed to be boring." Excuse me? I don't think so. I have always had a boring life and I have always wanted a more exciting life or active life. I am always at home. Even when Macy and Jordan aren't here.. I AM.  And I am usually doing nothing. I don't have to do something crazy I just want to be out of the house/tiny apartment. I would like to have people that just want to come over and play a board game with me. I just enjoy the company of others. I like to listen and analyze everything. I want people to come over so I can figure them out. :)

I will continue to have  a boring life a long as I have boring people in my life. I would like to know more active people. I like being active.  Someone be active with me.

warning: you may not want to read this.

no really don't read if you are weak hearted.

I am let down most of the time. I don't think anyone does it purposely. Just I don't think anyone cares equally about me as I do them. When I was younger and dumber I cared so much about my best friends I would take up for anyone of them and I KNEW  without a doubt they would do the same.. haha joke was on me because most of them did not do the same for me. Now I am only 21 with zero best friends.. and trust issues I can't even get excited any more because I know the let down will hurt  too terribly and expectation is too great to live up to. I have friends but not what I used to have, or what I thought I had. I am no one's number one. and that is a very hard thing to know. somethings I wish I didn't know.

I don't think I was rude or mean to anyone before they were rude or mean to me.. so all I can say now is ---- you. I was a good friend I kept your secrets when you told mine.  I listened to your problems and you didn't offer to listen mine or you never cared enough. So please stop saying we are friends and use  were "we were friends" -past tense because our friendship is in the past.

college.

So today I was thinking (thinking a little too hard.. as usual). I am in school. I have been here for four years. most of the people I know are graduatuing this year I feel like I am never going to make it to the line to graduate. I don't think I am going to make it to the line because I am terrible at english. I can speak english but not correctly. I can't write decent sentences, no one ever taught me how or told me the reason english is so important. every class I take I have to write a paper. and everytime I get to that exact point in the class I freeze I can not go on. I would like to go on to complete the class with a decent grade but I can't because of papers. I would like to never go to class again. I really mean NEVER. but I don't think that goal will ever be reached. Most of the careers I want  to pursue the employee has to have great writing skills but I don't.

It is weird I have a blog. you write in a blog but I am not a good writer.