I am physically sick. I want to vomit.
I really hate when I am angry. I don’t like having malice in my heart. I don’t understand what made me decide to come back. I am always unhappy no matter where I am. So I guess it can’t always be the people I am around. There is always disrespect between my mother and I. I try to be nice and speak to her but sometime between the times I speak to her I guess I piss her off somehow. So I am done talking to her unless needed. She honestly thinks I owe her something. WELL the bitch owes me a mother from my childhood she was ‘here’ but always absent. The same from my teenage years. I am so tired of being ganged up by her and my dad. They honestly don’t understand why I never want to be around. They will never understand because they don’t listen to me. What a shame. We will never be close and we will return to this spot, we will get almost there and I will remember what made me change my mind about being in each other’s lives.
The cycle of teen mom’s is a cycle of mother’s who tries to give their daughter’s what they never had. The cycle of an absent mother is way worse. It is worse because a mother who guess what is right to do. When both are combined. DISATER. Example: My mom had my older sister when she was nineteen turning twenty she got married she got divorced then she married my dad. They had me, two years two months and two days later they had my brother. A few years later my mom decided to go back to college. My sister is six years older than me so when my mom decided to go back to school sister knew and understood what was going on she could take care of herself. My dad took care of my brother. I shouldn’t have had to take care of myself but I did unless I was doing something incorrectly, or wanted to hang out with my friends. I had to sort through every problem I had by myself or else I would be yelled at, because I was yelled at I wouldn’t ask for help I would just lock it up and become depressed. (I wasn’t verbally abused.) As always hot things have to come to a boiling point.
Mom grew up poor with no supervision. My Mother’s mother died when she was twelve, so she has spent her motherhood trying to make her children’s lives better, she tries to outdo her parents. In turn she was absent working to give more. She wasn’t there for me. I didn’t realize this until I moved back in to my parent’s house. I want people to give me attention, I don’t have sex with them but if they can listen to me or if they want me to listen to them I am so happy. Now I am scared.. NO terrified mine and Macy’s relationship will turn out like this and she will be like me.
The friends I have have been sifted through worn out and they may feel like they have been abused and used. They have no idea how much they mean to me. They can’t possibly understand what it is like to grow up as me. I depend on them as my family, my friend’s moms as my own and my friends as my sisters. I don’t tell them because I do not like to show emotion. For me when I show emotion I am weak I honestly feel like it will get me in trouble because it did when I was a kid. Now, when I say things that are private personal feelings, it always comes back to get me so I much rather say nothing.
I just wish my hot anger would never boil over. I wish I could keep everything inside so no one would know how I feel.
